Here's the paradox nobody tells you about management: the higher you climb, the lonelier you get. According to an essay by Sofia Kodar published on Hacker News, the moment you become an engineering manager, you're no longer part of the team—no matter how hard you try. That promotion creates an invisible line. Your reports watch their words around you. They have conversations you're not included in. You're the boss now. Kodar identifies more uncomfortable truths. As a manager, you carry knowledge you cannot share—re-orgs, budget decisions, performance issues—while your team looks to you for reassurance. Every word you speak gets interpreted as a directive or decision. You cannot vent. You must be the calm anchor, even when you think business decisions are terrible. You're supposed to sell them to your team anyway. The emotional labor is severe and often invisible. You feel less progress than you did as an engineer—shipping features was concrete. Now most work takes weeks, and your day ends in uncertainty. You miss solving hard technical problems. Kodar's advice is blunt: find peer managers to confide in, learn feedback skills immediately, understand your business deeply, and accept that you won't be liked by everyone. But watch someone you mentored flourish, and suddenly it feels worth it.

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